Posts Tagged ‘results’
Results again
There is a definite difference between rationally deciding upon something – whether it be an opinion or an action – and psychologically totally accepting it. I find it is when the latter occurs that something special has happened and yet telling others about such things is never quite the same. I may have been preaching an obvious opinion for years but then when I truly realise it it is an excitement that is very hard to get across to others. I don’t know if this happens to others but I imagine it does. The other day it was exam results day and I experienced one of these moments on the bus in. For a great deal of time I have railed against our exam-focussed culture and have claimed that what matters is the expansion of one’s mind through education as opposed to the completion of certifications of various forms. Exams have only ever been for me a challenge in getting certain grades as opposed to something that actually matters – or so I tell myself. In reality I have long been concerned. Posts on here show that. However, finally on the day of this round of results a few weeks back I finally realised that I no longer cared. Now that I have my university place and the knowledge that as long as I don’t do anything stupid I will meet the grade requirements for it, it is very easy to say this. But it really was a wonderful moment when I finally realised that the results meant nothing more to me than a gateway to this next advancement. And I thought it was worth writing about here. It is wonderful to know that I can truly enjoy the intellectual aspects of my subjects (aside from the intolerably dull Medical Physics) without being concerned hugely by exams, especially given the low percentages I need in the summer to get straight As. I do not mean to sound too comfortably secure here – the lack of enthusiasm I was able to show for friend’s results a few weeks back annoyed me. But I’d really like to think that were I not in this comfortable position regarding results, I would have eventually come round to this opinion regardless.
Ack time what where
I very much thought that this school year would be less busy than the last, affording me more time to do things other than direct school work. So far, I’ve been sorely mistaken about this: despite doing one less subject, I seem to have just as much work at present to the point where I’ve fallen behind on pretty much everything else. I have a million items in my RSS reader: comics, blog posts, lolcats and the like; my inbox is utterly out of control; and I am missing deadlines for things like the recent election to the new board of Wikimedia UK. On top of all this I’m supposed to be applying to university, organise/enter various debating things, and of course it would be nice if I could do some, you know, reading of those things called books. I just don’t seem to be very efficient at getting school work done, probably because I’m usually such a perfectionist regarding such things, and hence I have no time for anything else. Any hopes of doing Wikimedia stuff this year aside from my minimal jobs as I did last year have very much vanished.
This conception of things getting easier as I advance through stages of education is of course a very common one. A friend of my father rung me up the other day to ask after his website which I am supposed to manage (another thing which I have fallen behind on) and hit the nail on the head when he pointed out that this is simply never the case. Education always works by insisting that the current stage is vastly more important than the last. GCSEs mean nothing once you start A-levels. Presumably A-levels will be entirely insignificant once you start university. And once you’ve done a degree you’ll probably be told that everyone has one, and you should try and get a masters. And then a PhD… and it just goes on. Currently I have an idea that once I get to university things will be better because I won’t have to worry constantly about passing exams and I will be able to just enjoy my subject and let it flow in naturally but of course this won’t happen; they’ll just be more exams. This silly idea I have that once I get into university everything will be marvelous and I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief is just as unreasonable as a belief that GCSEs are the be all and end all of education.
Applying to university is a process I’m currently involved in, as noted. These days it’s been privatised to within an inch of its life and is done entirely over the web, and is known as UCAS, or the University and Colleges Admissions System. Applying involves filling in lots of information – qualifications, employment, contact details and the like – but also in writing a personal statement, or set of reasons why you want to do the courses (up to five at five institutions). This is by far the hardest bit. We’re told to mix academic achievements and enthusiasm with hobbies and interests, but linking all of this together is very difficult. The other problem is that I could fiddle with my statement for ever, messing around with wording and clarifying and the like, and I’d end up never submitting it, so it’s just a case of getting it written and as good as possible and then just hoping for the best and hitting send. Conflicting comments don’t help either. While my form tutor says the statement is ‘perfect’ and that she would eat her hat if I didn’t get in to either Oxford or Durham (my top two choices), my family are more criticial of my wording. What’s also difficult is selecting my other three choices of where to apply. Open days and prospecti generally provide little more than advertising material and while I’ve obviously looked into and visited my top two choices there doesn’t seem much to gain from the others. Yet the chance of not getting into my top two is high and so I need to pick places I will eventually be happy with; I don’t trust my form tutor’s hat-eating at all. So I think I’m going to put Birmingham, York and Nottingham down, all for Maths and Philosophy, and we shall see what happens.
Sorry for a very all over the place post. I’ve just got so much to do and think about at the moment.
Results today
And I did it.
Straight As, 4th in year for my hardest subject (History), 100% in my pure maths modules and 100% in my Philosophy set text (Descartes’ Meditations).
But as usual I now really don’t care: results only matter to me when I don’t get what I want. I’ve put in so much effort this year and it’s paid off but I don’t feel like celebrating, I’m just maybe a bit happier than usual. And I’d much rather be like this than some of the alternatives.
Results tomorrow
I’ve been following a strict routine of not thinking about this year’s exams between sitting them and getting the results, which will be tomorrow morning for the latter. It’s been successful – until the past twenty-four hours or so, I’ve managed to not worry about something I can’t affect, and I haven’t been concerned in the way friends have. This seems to indicate that I haven’t had any reason to worry, because I haven’t been entirely blanking the thoughts out of my mind (I wouldn’t be capable of that).
However, last night I had a dream about getting my results. I had the envelope, but – presumably because my brain didn’t know what to expect in the envelope and thus was avoiding showing me – I wasn’t opening it. Instead, I was behind the library desk at school and appeared to be organising envelopes for other people. How odd that my subconcious would have me doing this, and in the library of all places. Also, a friend was nearby, and they had just got a B in Philosophy, the subject I am most concerned about, which I presume was a bad omen for me as the friend is of similar ability and did similar amounts of revision to me, and we were all at a disadvantage because of doing the subject in so few hours. I woke up from this in the dark with a sickly, fearful tummy ache feeling rather scared. This isn’t usual Sean-like behaviour surrounding exam results.
The fact is that at present, whatever else I claim, exam results and the accompanying university that I want to go to are very much my ultimate goal in life at the moment, as they are the first hurdle to pass to get there. I’ve been struggling to feel purposeful with anything not related to this over this summer holiday, e.g. Wikipedia activities. This focus is somewhat ridiculous. It is not true that I have failed entirely if I don’t succeed in these areas – but while I like to tell myself that I fail to convince myself of it. I blab on that I am content to search for meaning through thought and debate and writings like this blog but really, if I don’t get what I want tomorrow or I don’t get into the university I want to go to or both (results tomorrow can be made up over the next year if they are not too bad so the two are not totally dependent on each other), I will feel like I’ve completely failed and it was all a waste of time. I won’t be able to convince myself that what I have gained this year in terms of expanding my mind is more important than the grades. I know this because of what it felt like after I got my GCSE results and got an A in History where I wanted an A*. And that’s really sad.
So I’m going to try and stop thinking now (wow) because it’s unlikely to go very far, and I’m going to wish friends good luck for tomorrow and go and watch some TV, and go to bed. We’ll see what happens with that brown envelope tomorrow.